I am without a doubt in a very hard season of my life. A bit like free-falling from 24,000 feet without a parachute. A little out of touch. A little insane but with no choice but to deal with the pain. No choice but to keep moving forward and keep my eyes fixed on God. It's hard to keep your eyes on anything at this velocity. It's hard to not be consumed by the world and pretend that it is progress.
Ah, the world...but I digress.
The full gory TMZ edition of what is happening right now is irrelevant. As is anyone's opinions about what I ought to and what I shouldn't and if it was you what you would do. I am doing exactly what has been laid on my heart. The path of this season is between me and God. Not that I saw it that way at first. Quite the opposite, and unfortunately it was a hard-knocks lesson in what happens when you give the devil a foothold that broke me. God's got my back. Always has. It's a shame it took me 38 years to truly realize the magnitude of His grace and love. Thankfully, He still has that open door policy.
I first heard "Oceans" back in January, maybe the beginning of February, at the house church group that I am a part of. I probably played the song on YouTube a million times that night and through the next week. The song so succinctly spoke to me and how I had been feeling about the circumstances in my life. Especially this:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without bordersAfter my initial obsessive playings of the song, I would hear it from time to time. Then, one morning at church, it just happened to be on the rotation. I could not even sing, all I could do is cry. It was all hitting me that deeply, that profoundly. See, because in this season of my life, I have had my third eye squeegied to the extent of how true the lines,"Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
You've never failed and You won't start now" I have come to overcome my Peter-like tendencies (mostly).
I have always been a bit of a doubter. A skeptic. A know-it-all pain in you know where. Not now. So many things in my life right now have nothing to do with me. I did nothing...seriously nothing...to connect the dots. Okay, maybe I prayed but on a human level I had exhausted all possibilities. I have reached a level of surrender that I wish I could share with the one person who has diligently prayed for me to surrender for the past several years.
My faith has been made stronger. I have seriously had days where the magnitude of my blessings have had me nearly in tears. I have had days where there was nothing humanly I could do and yet God provided. I have managed in the last 6 months to live in the light and be free and I am so thankful for God's grace that I even after years of being less than I can still come to him and be forgiven.
Everyday is different but God is faithful.
You truly do get just what you need when you need it but you have got to surrender. I guess I just happened to be one of those hard cases and God needed to apply a little tough love. I am good with that because being in a place where I wake up every morning and thank God for the day and for giving me the opportunity to let His light shine through me is far more valuable than anything I thought I was pursuing. To be able to come to a place where the prayer,"Father, glorify yourself" covers more bases than my laundry list of human wants is to come further than I ever knew was possible.
To truly let go of everything you thought to be true and trust wholeheartedly in God...scary, yes...but oh so rewarding. I rarely get wrapped up in worry anymore but when I do I am able to take it to the cross. I am sure to people who have known me for a longtime it might seem that some sort of medication is in order BUT to steal a line from Beth Moore (minus the endearing drawl)...There is no high like the Most High.
After all, if God is for us, who could be against us?
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