I read today that writing is actually good for you mental health-wise, so I figured I need all the help I can get so why not? I had actually intended to start this up on the 15th with a post titled "Superperfundo on the eve of my birthday" but tonight seems like a better choice. (I started this post on the 12th but slacked off on finishing it so, um, sorry.) I have been sitting on this new blog for awhile (read:most of this year) but I have just not been in a place to shed the old skin.
It's been a year. Yep. What can I say except that you should share this blog with everyone you know so that I can get famous and those details will come out in my thrilling biopic. Seriously. As tempting as it is to air all my laundry here and now, I don't really want to pander to those types of people who get there jollies off of other folks miseries. I am not saying I won't share some deeply personal stuff on here, I am just saying it's not gonna be rag sheet caliber material.
Anyway. Yeah.
I enjoy writing. I really do. Some people have said I should make a career out of it but I don't know about that. I mean, sure, I do on some plane agree that I have talent but I lack drive and that whole screwover the other guy cut throat mentality that you seem to need in the world today. Plus, what would I write about? I mean blogging is one thing, but to actually make a living you have to be interesting and captivating all the time.
Perhaps the bigger problem is that I am not passionate about anything. I mean the conventional wisdom on the day is that you have a burning passion and you exploit the hell out of it, right? We are all one trick ponies and we beat that horse into the ground! Everybody is a guru. Everybody is an expert. Master of their domain. Multiple certifications in the mundane arts or something like that. Sigh, I do have passions. I just have filters too. I have doubts. I have years upon years of roadblocks. I have a complete and total disdain for anything Apple (which matters because no one has any need for a pencil and ink design girl and everyone insist upon Macs.)
I have had a very emotional couple of months. A lot of it I don't care to share unless you are face-to-face and there are a few bottles of wine and plenty of hugs and Kleenex. Just being honest. There are somethings, like the college road trip that I can expound upon. A few weeks ago I drove my daughter to Charlotte, NC to visit a school. It was an interesting trip to say the least. First of all, driving your kid to an out of state college is a pretty profound wake up call to the fact that they are in fact about to fly the coop. Second, you will have a profound experience driving the WV Turnpike whether you want to or not. On the way down, we hit darkness and I saw stars I never knew existed...prompting me to add drive a convertible through the mountains at night to my bucket list. On the way back, I saw that yes indeed we had been in the mountains and I think had I keenly been aware of where I was on the way down I might have been a bit daunted.
There is a lot to process on a weekend like that. One day, not so long from now my oldest baby might be that far away from me everyday. I have never been one of those maudlin moms but OMG this college thing has me in a tizzy. I called it the Harvard, she corrected me to the Yale, of schools for the field she wants to spend her life making magic in. I am extremely proud of her just as a matter of principle but the way she has her plan together with college and what she wants to do with her life. Wow, if I had been that together and resolute at that age...well...she wouldn't exist right now. I am glad that she knows what she wants out of life.
There is something though about all this...I just don't know. I am very much not where I want to be. It didn't really used to bother me. I think because I had some level of contentment, some smidgen of security. I had a lot of things, not material. Like confidence. Wit. A sense of humor. Hope.
I am not saying I am completely devoid of all of those things. I just feel like I am so insecure right now that I make Eeyore look like an egomaniac.
I thought I was on the right path.
I thought everything was as it should be.
So, yeah, I used to blog. It kept me sane. I stopped for the stupidest reason. I am starting up again now and hoping that somewhere in all these words I can (re)discover a few things about myself. Life is too short to be this angry and apathetic all in the same brain.
And that's all she wrote...
