What I can't put into words...

...I usually put into music. Someone else's music, because I sir am no songstress.

I am sitting here tonight. It is currently 11:56pm. In four minutes, it will be April 1.

April 1 always brings this song to mind.
I wore this cassette out. Yes, I said cassette.

Anyway.

Ironically, this song popped into my head before I realized that tomorrow was the first. Nothing like disturbing pictures on the internet to send my monkey-mind reeling through the musical archives of my brain. I would show you the picture but I would prefer not to have to see it again. It's not grotesque or pornographic or sensational or anything you would problem expect to see if someone said they saw disturbing pictures on the internet.

It's just sad and it specifically brought the following lyrics to mind:

Night driving without headlight
Wearin' sunglasses too
Lookin' good but sure don't feel right
Anything to be cool

I was cool once for about half a minute. I think it was a Thursday. Turns out it way better to just be myself. Not to mention way easier!

So, I am going to take that sad image of the sad character in the trite tableau of decay and pray. It's all I can do...until Dr. Phil returns my phone calls. No, seriously, some days, no fooling the only thing you or me or anyone can do it turn it over to God. Just let it go and believe in the promises.

What is My Whole Bohemia?

The phenomenon of misheard lyrics. I heart "The Lady is a Tramp" particularly the Ella Fitzgerald rendition. I am talking like, I used to sit in my room in high school singing into a broom handle in my own weird teenaged torch song. Couple that with other people's having labeled me as "bohemian" or similarly throughout my life, well...

Okay, so I for the longest, longest time thought that the lyric was "my whole bohemia is the place to be" but APPARENTLY the lyric is "my hobohemia is the place to be" Curse my not being born in the 30s. (1930s for those reading this in the future.)

I had stopped my old blog because my best friend had issues. Legitimate issues and out of respect, I ceased publication. It was for the best anyway, my old blog was too narrowly titled for me to really do what I wanted to do. I always felt bound by the title.

My Whole Bohemia seemed perfect. It encapsulates everything. I could blog about anything and everything under this title. I could talk about my husband's band, my daughter's baking, my son's shenanigans and what ever else I would want to ever write about.

Plus, really, it is a pretty cool title.

Life has happened in the meantime and I have let my ass get kicked by it.

Throwing up a big whatever and moving forward. After all, who am I to play small?

My Whole Bohemia is my life...warts and all. I have a lot to say and I know there are people who are interested. I regret that I got bogged down elsewhere and kinda dropped the ball.

This will be sporadic at first because I work when I can and I have a ton of other balls in the air. Although, I am getting better at understand how to use my phone despite my old age, so maybe it will be more regular than I am.

I don't know.

I just know I need to do this.

It makes me happy.

I used to blog. I still do but used to too.

I read today that writing is actually good for you mental health-wise, so I figured I need all the help I can get so why not?  I had actually intended to start this up on the 15th with a post titled "Superperfundo on the eve of my birthday" but tonight seems like a better choice. (I started this post on the 12th but slacked off on finishing it so,  um, sorry.)  I have been sitting on this new blog for awhile (read:most of this year) but I have just not been in a place to shed the old skin.

It's been a year. Yep. What can I say except that you should share this blog with everyone you know so that I can get famous and those details will come out in my thrilling biopic. Seriously. As tempting as it is to air all my laundry here and now, I don't really want to pander to those types of people who get there jollies off of other folks miseries. I am not saying I won't share some deeply personal stuff on here, I am just saying it's not gonna be rag sheet caliber material.

Anyway. Yeah.

I enjoy writing. I really do. Some people have said I should make a career out of it but I don't know about that. I mean, sure, I do on some plane agree that I have talent but I lack drive and that whole screwover the other guy cut throat mentality that you seem to need in the world today. Plus, what would I write about? I mean blogging is one thing, but to actually make a living you have to be interesting and captivating all the time.

Perhaps the bigger problem is that I am not passionate about anything. I mean the conventional wisdom on the day is that you have a burning passion and you exploit the hell out of it, right? We are all one trick ponies and we beat that horse into the ground! Everybody is a guru. Everybody is an expert. Master of their domain. Multiple certifications in the mundane arts or something like that. Sigh, I do have passions. I just have filters too. I have doubts. I have years upon years of roadblocks. I have a complete and total disdain for anything Apple (which matters because no one has any need for a pencil and ink design girl and everyone insist upon Macs.)

I have had a very emotional couple of months. A lot of it I don't care to share unless you are face-to-face and there are a few bottles of wine and plenty of hugs and Kleenex. Just being honest. There are somethings, like the college road trip that I can expound upon. A few weeks ago I drove my daughter to Charlotte, NC to visit a school. It was an interesting trip to say the least. First of all, driving your kid to an out of state college is a pretty profound wake up call to the fact that they are in fact about to fly the coop. Second, you will have a profound experience driving the WV Turnpike whether you want to or not. On the way down, we hit darkness and I saw stars I never knew existed...prompting me to add drive a convertible through the mountains at night to my bucket list. On the way back, I saw that yes indeed we had been in the mountains and I think had I keenly been aware of where I was on the way down I might have been a bit daunted.

There is a lot to process on a weekend like that. One day, not so long from now my oldest baby might be that far away from me everyday. I have never been one of those maudlin moms but OMG this college thing has me in a tizzy. I called it the Harvard, she corrected me to the Yale, of schools for the field she wants to spend her life making magic in. I am extremely proud of her just as a matter of principle but the way she has her plan together with college and what she wants to do with her life. Wow, if I had been that together and resolute at that age...well...she wouldn't exist right now. I am glad that she knows what she wants out of life.

There is something though about all this...I just don't know. I am very much not where I want to be. It didn't really used to bother me. I think because I had some level of contentment, some smidgen of security. I had a lot of things, not material. Like confidence. Wit. A sense of humor. Hope.

I am not saying I am completely devoid of all of those things. I just feel like I am so insecure right now that I make Eeyore look like an egomaniac.

I thought I was on the right path.

I thought everything was as it should be.

So, yeah, I used to blog. It kept me sane. I stopped for the stupidest reason. I am starting up again now and hoping that somewhere in all these words I can (re)discover a few things about myself. Life is too short to be this angry and apathetic all in the same brain.

And that's all she wrote...